Radiation Therapy

My job has been on my mind for many weeks now.  Tears came to my eyes this morning thinking about how today was Thursday!  Only 4 more days till I go back to work.  I've been off for almost 12 weeks now and let me tell you how fast it went.  Why is that?  I swear when I'm working 3 months seems like it takes forever, but when you're having fun, 3 months fly by.

Don't get me wrong, we have done/experienced A LOT in those 3 months.  Having Lachlyn and seeing her grow so much in this short time.  Taking Rhone to the pool and watching him learn each time to swim and be more confident in the water.  And most of all just being able to spend everyday together just the 4 of us.    It has been such a great time in our lives and I will forever be grateful to God that we were able to both be off for 3 months!   Not everyone gets that.  I know that I was blessed to be given that time and I will cherish this summer forever.  

Monday... I knew this day was coming.  I was marking each day off the calendar watching it come sooner and sooner.  But now that it's almost here, I have extreme mixed feelings.

Good Days: 

Curable Cancer

On one hand I Love what I do.  I work as a radiation therapist at an outpatient clinic which is located directly across the street from our neighborhood. ( I would recommend this to everyone )  The job is amazing.  It has to be one of the most gratifying jobs out there.  Our patients are usually so grateful to us and give us so much love for helping them live!  Most people are curable, so this time in their life is focused primarily on 'killing every cancer cell in them'  We do that for them.  We see them everyday for 10-30mins each day for approx. 4-7 weeks depending on the type of cancer.  We get to know them.  We get to know their family.  We learn about their grandchildren and what they are going to do each day.  It's fun.  I would say most people with cancer have such a great outlook on life and appreciate the people around them.  It helps me to remember to live each day to the fullest, and to make sure I let my family know how much I love them. 

The best moments:  

When I can make one of my patients laugh
When I get a hug from a patient because they are grateful for what I do
When we get food or snacks from patients lol
When I see a patient walk for the first time since there diagnosis.  This is the best.
(people often think it's a depressing job, but let me tell you how awesome and uplifting it is to see a patient who came in to our office in a wheel chair because of there tumor and leave walking because we shrank it.)
My husband like to tell people 'I kill cancer'  which make me laugh, but when I really think about it it's true.  I do, or at least I give it my all.  I try everyday to do the best I can because people's lives are in my hands.

 Bad Days:

Terminal cancer

When people get diagnosed with cancer, they have several options for treatment.  One of those options is radiation.  It sounds scary and sad, but the reality is that it is a very uplifting job.  Yes I have bad days. 
Every patient is completely different.  They might have the same type of cancer but different size, different location, different stage.  There are so many factors that go into staging cancer.  The bad days are the days when we get patients with terminal disease.  I often work in the Simulator or "Sim" which means I set up peoples' treatment position, do CT scans, find their tumor, and give them tattoos on there skin marking where to direct the beams.  At this stage the patient is new to us.  They are scared.  I see them at there most vulnerable point and I try my hardest to ease their mind and reassure them that they are in good hands.  Trying to make there experience as good as I can possibly make it.  However, I see them in pain and I see why.  It kills me when I do a CT scan and can see how the disease has eaten away at there bones which is causing them so much pain.  These late stage cancers or aggressive cancers are what give me bad days.  After a while of many bad days in a row it can really get to you.  I hate seeing people in pain, and I hate seeing people scared.  It's my job to help them get through this tough time in their life and to hopefully give them hope for the future.

 Healthcare:

Health care is a weird field.  Most people who enter the health care field are people who really want to help the lives of those who are sick.  We go into it with great intentions and don't ever think that our hearts will be hardened.  But they do.  It's sad, but I feel like it's necessary.  There is just no way anyone could work with the sick if you get emotional and overcome by how sad and hard it is.  You wouldn't last.  It's a job.  In my career, I have seen myself get frustrated with being in the health care field because I went in wanting to help people.  I want to spend time with my patients, I want to feel like they are my main priority.  But in reality every health care job is just like other jobs in that they are in the business to make money.   In my current job, we are super busy.  We load up our schedule to the point of not being able to handle it.  We have to squeeze patients in between patients, we have to work faster and harder just to keep up.  We do it because, well, there are a lot of patients who need radiation, and so we 'make' room for them.  But it becomes routine, it becomes patient in, patient out.  No more talking, laughing, getting to know each other.  We have to put the reasons why we love our job on hold in order to do our job faster.  It has taken a toll on me.  I have resented people I work for because of it.  I want to do my job, but I wish it didn't have to be the way it is.  Because of 6 years of dealing with these feelings about work and the added desire to be a stay at home mom, I am in dire need of change.  However, all in all,  when I compare the good and the bad I have to say the really good days outweighs the bad days.  When I look back at the 6 years I've been working I can think of a dozen cases that really made me cry in sadness.  But can think of so many happy moments my job has brought me.  How it has changed me.  How it has opened my heart to the sick and the suffering.   I know that God has a reason for everything.  We may not understand it at that moment, but something good comes out of everything, even cancer.

Monday:
What I keep telling myself

I am rejuvenated and am loving life right now.  I hope this can carry me through working again and help me remember why I love this job.  There are a lot of people out there outside of my family that need my help.  And well, I'm gonna toot my own horn, but I'm really good at my job.  I am a loving caring health care worker who is fast, efficient, and good at what I do.  So although I am bummed to have to leave my growing family for 8 hours each day, I hope that I can make the most of it and help save some more lives.